What Forgivness Means to Me

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison

and waiting for the other person to die."

My Experience of Forgiveness

I believe that, ultimately, forgiveness is at once a selfish and humbling process, for both the giver and the receiver. I believe it is a supernatural act as well, one empowered very specifically by divine grace.

I have experienced this because I've been forgiven much.  I have experienced this because I've forgiven.
It’s Me on the Line - Giving Forgiveness

When we go fishing and catch “the big one,” we start to reel in the big fish, and it’s fighting like mad --- tugging and writhing on the line. In life, the one who wounded me is the one who’s fishing. I’m the fish, stuck on a line I can’t get free of no matter how hard I struggle. Forgiveness is the fish taking the line out of its own mouth and swimming away. (Side note: It's painful to remove the hook, but not as painful as leaving it there.)

When I am offended and forgive, the foremost benefit is to be set free. I believe that I have sometimes gotten hung-up on forgiving because I don’t want to let those who offend me off the hook. At those times, I have it backwards. I am the one on the hook and it is up to me to admit the hook is there and remove it. Sometimes I forgive magnanimously, yet deep down I know it is festering, I have only minimized, not forgiven. Other times I forgive grudgingly, still harboring bitterness in my heart, and soon it is obvious that the hook is still firmly set. And sometimes I simply can’t admit that the other person may have done something bad to me. I’d rather be “bad” than them.

Whether I take one of the above meandering paths, or whether I take a more direct route, all the paths lead to this: Finally, I humble myself. I pray to be made willing to be willing. Usually my prayer goes something like this, “I do not have it in myself to forgive this offense/offender, please give me YOUR forgiveness for this…” and those are the moments when Divinity meet humanity and I am freed from the hook.

It’s Still Me on the Line – Seeking Forgiveness

When I am the offender and I seek forgiveness I sometimes struggle to accept and receive forgiveness. Sometimes it can be harder to apply forgiveness to myself than to those who offend me. I am reminded again that thinking “I’m too bad” (to deserve forgiveness) is the flip side of “I’m too good” (I don’t need forgiveness). They are both pride. My dilemma often comes down to admitting either 1) “I’m not so good” or 2) “I’m not so bad”. I can take the judgment out of the statements by just simply admitting “I’m human, I made a mistake.”

Here again, the effectiveness of the process is based on the degree to which I recognize the hook. I can’t take the hook out if I don’t admit that it’s there. I must be willing to look squarely and honestly at the offense and take responsibility for my part. Also, I often must pray, “I’m having a hard time receiving forgiveness, please help me….” and those are the moments when Divinity meet humanity and I am freed from the hook.


Specially Targeted Supernatural Grace -
When offended by someone, supernatural grace is available very specifically to me. When I have offended someone else, supernatural grace is available very specifically to me. This grace is like a heat-seeking missile attracted to me when I am seeking the process of forgiveness, drawn in to empower me with what is needed for freedom, love and healing.

Without this supernatural grace it is impossible for me to either give or receive true forgiveness. Without this amazing grace it is impossible to even experience the first part of my forgiveness process. Only grace makes it possible for me to get close enough to the offense to see it and feel it for what it is/was. Only this grace makes it possible for me to even be open to seeking divine help to be set free.

Beware of hooked fish syndrome:Denial “Hook, what hook?”
Minimizing “It’s only a small hook.”
Blaming “It’s not my hook.”
Victim “I’m hooked, I’m so ashamed.”
Justification “I’m the one who bit the hook.”
Isolation “Leave me alone, I’m hooked.”

Don’t Take the Bait –
One trap that I recognize and avoid is that of being offended for someone else. If someone I care about is offended and I take the bait and nurture offense and bitterness in my heart towards the offender, I am trapped. I am trapped in my bitterness and there is no supernatural grace for me to give forgiveness because I am not the one offended. I have seen this time and time again in my life and the lives of others. The only way out of the trap is to SEEK forgiveness for harboring bitterness.

Wow -
As I think of it now, either way it is a chicken-and-the-egg experience, because in order to experience of relating with a loving Divinity I must be in the ongoing process of constant, multi-level forgiveness; and I cannot truly experience the forgiveness process unless I’m in the presence of loving Divinity.

My process of forgiveness:

RecognizeAsk for Supernatural Grace.
Admit my limited ability to give and/or receive forgiveness and ask for
Supernatural Forgiveness.
Look squarely at the offense.
Name it clearly for what it is and what it isn’t.

ConfessSpeak aloud and name the offense.
Speak aloud my intent to forgive or be forgiven.
Speak aloud my intention to be free.
Speak aloud against shame and condemnation.
Speak aloud for freedom and forgiveness.
Speak aloud for trust.
Speak aloud for freedom, love and healing.

RepentIf I am the offender, I make a clear intent that I will turn away from the offensive behavior. I will not knowingly continue to offend.
If I am the offended, I make a clear intent that I will turn away from bitterness and un-forgiveness.

I turn towards freedom, towards love, towards healing.


Receive
I give thanks for Supernatural Grace.
I give thanks for Supernatural Forgiveness.
I give thanks for freedom, for love, for healing.
I apply thanksgiving whenever any thought or memory that is contrary to walking in forgiveness to myself and others tries to squeeze into my head/heart.